Toy Story

Here’s how dictionary.com defines “toy:”

toy – noun

1. an object, often a small representation of something familiar, as an animal or person, for children or others to play with; plaything.

2. a thing or matter of little or no value or importance; a trifle.

3. something that serves for or as if for diversion, rather than for serious practical use.

It’s funny as I look at the definitions, how the order is the exact order in which I have felt about toys in my lifetime. As a kid, my life was all about my toys. In fact, there were two things that drove me; What toys I had and what toys I was going to get. In the beginning, I liked just about anything I could get my hands on. But, as mentioned in the first description, if it is something familiar, like an animal, then it had more meaning. Which is probably why I still have the Winnie the Pooh Grandma Ella gave me when I was five.

But as I got older toys changed from little shiny things to big shiny things. Cars, stereos, TVs. All of which, in the long run, fit into description number two. Which brings us to definition three. Which is where I am with toys, today.

When Finley was born, we had no need for toys. She had no way of knowing what they were or what they did. She couldn’t hold on to them or really even see them for that matter. Which is why most of the parenting books say kids don’t need toys until about six months. So, now that we’re at month seven, her once empty toy box is now crammed with somewhat soft and brightly colored noisemakers. And that’s what they are, in their simplest form; noisemaking light shows.

In the store, I pore over the different toys to see what sort of educational value they hold. I’m sure that as she gets older, some of these toys will hold true to their enlightening ways. But for now, toys in Finley’s world need to have flashing lights, music, voices, or be able to be chewed on. A toy that falls into all of those categories is a a bonus.

We’ve got the “smart” toys. Those are the ones that have a voice explaining what’s happening in English, French and Spanish. Most likely, this includes the name of the color that is currently flashing and/or whichever letter in the alphabet is also flashing.

We’ve got a rabbit that laughs and is very descriptive about its ears, nose and feet. And there’s a turtle that asks our Little Einstein™ to press the appropriate colorful, lit-up shape on its shell.

And then there is what I refer to as “The Space Capsule.” The actual name is “Excersaucer,” but it is more of a cockpit surrounded by every single sensory stimulation device known to man. Basically, the subject is lowered into a padded seat that dangles them mere centimeters above the floor of the capsule. The seat is designed to spin, so that our subject can experience a full 360-degrees of sensory overload. The full-circle dashboard contains objects of silly design, supported by springs or any number of pliable and stretchable stands. These objects, of course, are meant to be chewed and slobbered on and make some sort of sound, battery-induced or not. This toy… this capsule, is the ultimate kiddie distraction.

And that’s what toys are. They’re diversions. Some have practical and educational purposes. Many kids develop a love for building and design from playing with erector sets and Legos™. And there are those kids who turn a fascination with toy musical instruments into a career. But, in my first run-through as a toy-buying parent, I am beginning to see toys as not much more than battery sucking, song repeating, tripping hazards.

The makers of these toys are geniuses, of course, because they know what they’re doing. They know that the more noise the toys make and the brighter the lights are, combined with a song repeated over and over and over, will not only drive the parents nuts, but send the kids into a gleeful spasm. And that’s what it’s all about.

We will gladly suffer the same song over and over and over for days if it keeps the kid happy and distracted. As long as the baby is holding on to a musical teething ring or enthralled in the capsule, we can throw a load of clothes in the laundry or wash a few dishes. In this way, distractions are good. We can get things done when the kids are distracted. Then, once the baby is in bed, mom and dad can cuddle on the couch and watch TV.