friends and family, but until you are in it, you have no clue. It’s not like there’s any real parenting going on the first few months, anyway. In the beginning, it’s more of a care and feed operation. The baby can’t really do anything that requires the full-on parental overseeing-type guidance. In fact, I thought I had it pretty easy until about a week ago.
So far, I had been able to pick up this dad thing fairly easily. I became a master swaddler and can change a diaper with my eyes closed (when I remember to put the diaper on). The proper bottle-feeding position was no problem and my spoonwork with the baby food is going well. And the play stuff… I had that down way before Finley was a zygote. But last week, I did something that not only made me a real parent, but made me think about what’s to come. Last week, I said “no” to Finley.
I think it will still take her a while before she realizes what “no” means, but the ball has started rolling. From here on out, we have to make sure that until she can make her own decisions, it’s up to us to let her know right from wrong. And grabbing Daddy’s face with her hands and clawing with her little fingernails is wrong. Pulling on Mamma’s hoop earrings is no good, either. And until she figures that out, we have to keep saying, “no.”
This is the part of parenthood I was trying to avoid. I don’t want to be the bad guy. I want to be the buddy daddy and the fun dad. Heather is much better at laying down the law, trust me. But, it’s not fair for me to try and hog all the good stuff. As much as I’d like to have Heather take care of all of the judgment and punishment, I know I have to step up and bring the hammer down every once in a while. Besides she would whoop on me if I didn’t.
And that’s the great dilemma. Deciding how to punish... Deciding when to punish. It’s a whole
new world in the land of raising kids. When we were growing up and you got in trouble, you got spanked. It wasn’t corporal punishment… it was a swat on the tail and you most likely did not become a repeat offender. But these days, you can’t look at your kids wrong without it being considered abuse. These days, a term like “time out” is part of the parental vernacular. These days, revocation of cell phone privileges seems to be the punishment of choice… when they get old enough, I guess.
We’ll have to learn to sit her in a corner, send her to bed and just plain sit through tantrums and tears. We’ll have to learn to read her body language and eyes to see if she’s hiding something or stretching the truth. But the most important thing we’ll have to learn is how to talk to her as we punish.
Because it’s not really just about punishment. It’s about respect. Respect for us as parents, respect for others and respect for rules. And if all she knows is frustration and sorrow from her actions, she’ll never learn how to properly respect all of those things. And she has to also learn that sometimes some rules and some people are difficult to respect and that there are proper ways to disagree and even help change things that are wrong.
But that all comes from us. We have to not only show our disappointment in her actions, but confirm for her several things. The most important thing we have to tell her is how much we love her. That no matter what rule she’s broken or trouble she’s gotten into, we love her no
matter what. Then we have to explain - especially when she is little - what she did wrong and why it was wrong. And we have to help her realize the consequences of her actions and how she can either fix the problem or make sure she avoids making the same mistake again. And as we all know, mistakes are an important and necessary part of life. They are what help us learn how to be better.
I know this all sounds pretty straightforward and looks great on paper. I also know there is no way it is going to be as easy as it sounds. So, I will rely on my partner in parenthood to help me along the way. As long as Heather and I do our best to stay consistent and talk to each other, we should be okay. Well, as long as I stay consistent with Heather’s rules, we’ll be okay.
I know I can’t be the happy, go-lucky, fun dad all the time. I know I have to be strong and stand firm with my parental decisions. But I have to say, it certainly isn’t fair when I know those little
blue eyes will be staring up at me with guilt and maybe even a little fear. And that’s the LAST thing I want… for her to fear me. But I know, with Heather’s help, those little eyes will look at me and learn that what I’m saying and doing is only to help her become a better person and, eventually, the great parent I can only hope to be.
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