Binky Break

When you have a really bad fever, there’s a point where it 

reaches its peak and you start to come down the other side. That’s when they say the fever breaks. You don’t feel well right away, but you know things are going to get better.

The same thing holds true when you’re trying to get your toddler off her pacifier. The frustration and madness rises and rises until you have binky break. And as the days go by, it all becomes a hazy, crazy memory.

When we last left our tiny hero, she was just being weaned of her soother. The first few nights were not good. For any of us. You have to remember that this was not only the tool that helped her fall asleep, but it also helped calm her down whenever she woke up in the middle of the night. And now that the evil parents ripped the binky from her grasp, she had no way of either going to or returning to sleep… or so she thought.

The key to all of this – from Finley’s perspective – is for her to find out an alternate way of self soothing. Some kids resort to the fingers or the almighty thumb. Others talk or sing to themselves. Finley just need to find what worked for her. But at nearly two years old, patience is not a virtue… it’s not even an option.

So, she would cry and wail and call for Momma then Daddy. As I said, those first few nights were tough for all of us and after a few minutes, one of us would go in and she would instantly calm down and let us rock her to sleep. The problem with that is, WE were now the soothing tool. She was beginning to learn that if she cried loud enough, one of us would come in and entertain. And we would. And she would go down… for maybe an hour, an hour and a half.

The reality is, getting up every hour or two for two nights in-a-row gets old real fast. So we had to figure out how to adjust our plan. But before that could happen, we had an obstacle thrown our way.

To our dismay we found out that halfway through the week, one of the daycare workers had given in to Finley’s wily ways and handed her a binky at nap time. Like Heather said to the daycare folks, “It’s like giving a beer to an alcoholic.”

So, after a little hiccup, we moved into the second weekend without the pacifier. Unfortunately, Finley was still having problems letting go. It was to the point that she wasn’t able to take a nap the entire weekend and nighttime was turning into a broken record. By Monday night, we never thought we’d get a full night’s sleep again and both of us wondered if we had removed the binky too soon.

Then Tuesday night, I decided I wanted to play hardball. It was tough love time. When we put her down for the night, and she started her crying, I wanted us to stay away. Heather had a tough time with this… I did, too, actually. But I couldn’t back down. So we stood our ground and let Finley call us every name imaginable in the toddler vocabulary.

A couple of times Heather started to go in, but I had to remind her of the big picture; 1. She’s not hurting, she’s just mad. 2. She won’t remember this. Now, I know that seems a little cold, but in the grand scheme of it all, you have to remember that change doesn’t come easy.

And sure enough, she eventually gave up and fell asleep. I’m not saying I didn’t feel sorry for her as she slowly realized we weren’t coming in. And I’m not saying I don’t want her to think we won’t be there for her. But, in this case, it isn’t about what she needed... it was about what she wanted. And that’s the big thing to remember with kids. You may seem like the worst parent in the world to them at times, but as long as you are putting your foot down for the right reasons, you’ll be helping them in the long run.

And that’s when we had binky break. She slept through the night without much trouble and each night since has been better and better. The next night she only cried for about ten minutes. The following night, five. And every night since… not at all. I’m not saying we’re out of the woods just yet, but I feel good about the direction we’re going.

The best part of all of this is that in the morning, when she wakes, she’s still happy to see us. That toddler short-term memory is a good thing. It’s like sleep erases the bad thoughts of us from the night before. And that’s getting better, too. She’s not so mad at us when she goes to sleep. It’s all a part of a routine… a NEW routine. One with out a binky.

The thing is, as I stand back and look at the big picture, it’s all about a routine… for all of us. She was used to her bedtime pattern and so were we. And just as she had to learn to live with out the soother, we had to learn that it wasn’t going to be easy. Change isn’t easy, but change is good. You just have to remember that it all gets better once you reach your own binky break. 

Two Little Words

I wish I could say that Finley is the perfect child. 

I wish she never disobeyed or had tantrums. But then again, she’s a toddler. To be honest, she really is a good kid for the most part. I think the problem is, we’re so used to her being good that when she is naughty it seems out of control, crazy bad. And the other problem is that she’s so rarely naughty, I think we get caught off guard when she goes off.

The real hard part is that at this age, she’s not trying to be naughty. She’s not motivated to do bad, she’s just testing her boundaries… and ours, for that matter. When we tell her not to bang her spoon on her plate, she doesn’t keep doing it to try and break the plate. She keeps doing it to see how long she can go before we stop her. And when we do, it makes her mad and she cries. But sometimes, it’s hard to remember that. When she’s banging on the plate ALL THE TIME, it can start to grate on even the most even-tempered parent.

The thing to remember in all of this – if you can stop and breathe and remember – is that she’s just learning about good and bad and naughty and nice. This means she doesn’t know when she’s gone too far or is pushing Momma and Poppa to the edge.

Case in point: Thursday night Heather had to stay late at school, so I picked her up and brought her home. Not so bad, right? Except I had a conference call with clients in Asia and Australia that included a five-minute part I had to lead. I thought I was good to go. I set her in her high chair and had her favorite foods at her disposal. Things were looking good until right before my turn to talk. That’s when she started this long, loud whining noise. And she wouldn’t stop. So here I am, presenting to a world-wide audience while the Finley siren is droning on in the background. I’m sure anyone on the call who is/was a parent completely understood, but to my dismay I wound up absolutely furious.

I’m thinking it was maybe a bit of built-up tension of me trying to be the good, understanding Poppa for the last 23 months. And there was probably a bit of embarrassment from what happened in the phone call. Neither are an excuse, but I am happy to say I took my frustration out on one of my bed pillows and not my daughter. And as soon as my little 5-second tantrum was over, I couldn’t help but laugh. Because it really must have been pretty funny.

So, I straightened up the pillow walked over to Finley, gave her a great big kiss and said, “I’m sorry.” She probably had no clue why I said those two little words. But it didn’t matter. I knew why. Because for a split second – and I know this won’t be the last time – I was more concerned about how I looked to my clients than I did to her. She didn’t know what she was doing. She didn’t mean it. She just wanted attention.

Obviously, next time around I will do a little better in the planning and not put myself or Finley in that situation. One that was ultimately doomed to fail, anyway. Maybe that’s why I was so mad… because I probably knew it was going to happen.

But my story isn’t over just yet. You see, Finley is not just testing us on what she can get away with… she’s testing us on HOW we deal with it. And don’t ever think that kids aren’t watching and paying attention. They are a lot smarter than you think.

Saturday and Sunday was our first full weekend since the removal of the binky and she had a real tough time taking naps. In fact she didn’t. Saturday was the worst. We set her in her crib and for almost an hour she cried and bounced and yelled and screamed. We would go in every five to ten minutes to try and calm her down, but she would have none of it. We were both at our wits end by the time we decided to just let her get up and play. And as Heather lifted her out of the crib and set her on the floor, Finley ran into the living room and came right up to me. With remnants of tears in her eyes, she looked up and said, “I’m sorry, Daddy.” Those two little words made every bit of frustration melt away.

Even as I write this blog, I’ve been up twice to calm her down for bed time. And as she fights sleep and says no when we ask her to lie down, I can’t help but think of the good in all of this. Not only is she learning – through us – about patience and understanding, but I just realized I’m doing something I haven’t done in a long time and probably won’t be doing in a few years. I rocked her to sleep in my arms and I liked it. She doesn’t quite fit on my chest like she did as a newborn, but I could feel her soft breath in my ear as I rubbed her back just like old times.

She’s not a baby, anymore. She’s looking to us to show her the way. And every once in a while – if we’re lucky and we look at the big picture – we’ll realize she’s showing US the way. Sometimes it just takes two little words to remind us.

Cold Turkey

It’s a sad state of affairs in America. Hundreds of thousands of kids are addicted. 

They get hooked at an early age and have trouble shaking their jones. And although it’s not really a sickness, many parents could argue that trying to shake this dependence may be one of the hardest things their kids can do.

Of course, I’m talking about the dreaded pacifier. Other street terms include “binky,” “soother,” and “nu-nu.” No matter what you call it, more than likely, it is a big part of you and your child’s world. And whether you like it or not, the time will come for that unpleasant binky intervention.

Sure, there are kids out there who never get or take the pacifier – I was a binky-free kid myself. Then again I was born in the Autumn of Love in October 1967, so I’ve always leaned a little toward the counter culture – But in most cases, including ours, the binky not only helps keep the kid soothed, but the parents as well.

It’s much too easy to get used to the rubber/plastic stoppers. Because that’s partly what they are. Whether you are in the car, in the store or on a plane, when the wail or cry starts flowing out of the mouth of the babe, you can just plug the drain and keep the sound in… most of the time, anyway.

And it’s hard to argue their importance as a soporific (That’s a big word I found that means sleep inducing). We could always count on the munchkin falling asleep fairly quickly when the pacifier was in place.

But there comes a time when you have to set aside old habits. Unfortunately for pacifier addicts there is no 12-step program, no Binky Ford Clinic, no gum, and certainly no patch to help. There really is no way to wean a little one off the soother. It has to be cold turkey, complete with withdrawal symptoms. You can expect anxiety, cravings, even fits of anger.

We thought about all of this before we made the big move to lose the pacifier. And after a few pieces of advice from friends and family, we decided the best way to enter into this cease-binky agreement, was under a mutual accord. There’s no point in just suddenly not giving her the pacifier. At her age and her level of understanding, we have to make sure she understands what’s going on. That on some level, she is helping make that decision.

For the record, we’ve slowly been moving this direction for some time. Several months ago, we made a point to only let her have the binky at bed time. So, she’s been used to not having it during the day (except nap time) for a while. It was just getting over that last hurdle that was going to be tough.

So this past Saturday, while she had a play date with Auntie Gina’s twins, Finley “gave” her binky to little Natalee. We had been explaining to Finley that Natalee is a baby and that only babies have binkies. And since Finley was a big girl now, she could give her binky to Natalee. Heather oversaw the actual transaction and Finley DID relinquish her pacifier albeit a bit grudgingly. That was the easy part.

That night as we readied the girl for bed, the inevitable question of “binky?” arose. We had to remind her that she gave it away and how nice she was and what a big girl she was. The initial crying in bed didn’t last as long as I thought it would. She actually conked out in about the usual time frame. And even though she woke up a few times in the night without her friend there to pop back in, I thought that overall it was a good night… at least for a start. We know it will be a bit rough for a few nights, but we just have to keep reminding her (and ourselves) that she is a big girl and trust that she’ll start to forget she ever needed it in the first place.

Meanwhile, we have ourselves a little person that continues to learn and grow. As traumatic as something like this could potentially be, it’s good to know that she understands the basics of growing up. Which is to say, we have to leave things behind in order to move forward. And even though sometimes it can be painful, in the long run it’s what makes us wiser and appreciate the things we have and the things that are yet to be.

I’m not sure that last part was about her or a daddy seeing his little girl get just a bit older every single day. Either way, it’s exciting to think about what’s ahead. Let’s just not go too fast. I have to ease into it. That little girl is a hard habit to break.

Monkeying Around

When I was a kid, I liked to climb EVERYTHING. The trees in my neighborhood, fences, walls… 

If I could get a good hand hold and a good foot hold, I was gone. That’s probably why when I was Finley’s age, my parents had me strapped to a harness with a leash.

I really can’t blame them, actually. This past weekend, I got a glimpse at why it’s so important to keep your little monkey in check… especially when you’re out in public.

Momma was at the library studying most of the day, Sunday, so it was just me and the munchkin in our little condo. Normally, we would escape to the park up the street, but it had been snowing most of the day. And even though the snow wasn’t really sticking, it was just a bit too cold for an outdoor excursion.

What we needed was a nice, warm indoor place to get out and stretch. Momma and the girl had been out to the Bellevue Square mall, the week before, and I knew it had quite the kids’ area. So, I bundled the babe up and made a bee-line for Bellevue.

It wasn’t Christmas crowd-crazy, but it was busy enough. I decided to be a bit brave and not bring the stroller, because she’s a big girl, now. I also left the diaper bag in the car on purpose, which turned out to be a good call, since once I plopped her down in the middle of the mall, she shot off like a wind-up toy.

Since I wasn’t carrying anything, I was able to keep up with her. The good news was this is just what we needed… Lots and lots of space for her to run around with no walls to hold her back. The scary thing was that I could see how easy it would be to lose a little one, if you’re not concentrating on them.

She may only be 22 months old, but Finley is a fast one. And she just goes and goes without thinking about anything except how fast she can get to wherever it is she’s heading. I had to steer her away from oncoming traffic and a few doors, but for the most part she was running with the pedal down. Finally, I was able to get her up to the play area, which is where she really let loose.

I’ve seen her play on a few toys at school and she can get up and down the slides at the park fairly well, but in this play area, she showed me how agile she really is.

To set the scene, the play area is a great big soft foam carpet in the middle of a ring of benches, for the parents. The “toys” are actually foam sculptures covered in soft plastic, which seems to be the new ultra-safe way to make playgrounds. So much for the concrete and gravel we had growing up.

In this particular playground, the sculptures have a northwest waterfront theme and there are several boats, including a Washington State Ferry and lots of faux rocks and docks for the kids to climb all over and slide down. And every one of these things was covered with kids.

At first, I figured Finley would be shy, trying to work herself into a space on one of the toys. But I was wrong. As soon as she kicked off her shoes she was up and on top of the tallest toy – the Ferry – surveying the rest of the playground for where she’d go, next.

Of course I was not more than two feet away, waiting for her to make a misstep or if she needed help getting down. I shouldn’t have bothered. She was literally like a monkey using her hands and feet to get her up and on and over and down. I guess when you only weigh 25 pounds, it’s easy to do all this, but she impressed me with her agility.

There were a few moments when I thought I could probably sit down and watch her from one of the benches, but I wasn’t sure, so I became the hovering dad. Just in case. I was never needed, but it made me feel better to at least think I was the spotter for my little gymnast.

Once or twice, she got into a slightly precarious position and looked around for me. But once she caught my eye, she knew she didn’t want me to help, so she figured her way out of her predicament.

And when it was time to go, she didn’t cry or fuss; she just let me get her shoes back on, took my hand, and led me to the escalator.

On the way home, as she was singing along to the music in the car, I wondered how many times she’s going to get into situations where I can’t help her and she has to figure it out for herself. Too many to count, probably. I guess I can only hope she’ll at least be able to look around and know I’m there, just in case. I just have to learn not to be the hovering dad. Eventually, anyway.

Easy as 1, 2, 3

As we get closer and closer to Finley’s second birthday, Heather I keep discovering that our little princess is discovering new and unusual things to say and do. And since she spends so much time at daycare, we figure that’s the place she’s picking up all these sayings and quirks.

For instance, she has this thing (that she’s had for a while) about shoes. She loves her shoes. She wants to wear all of them, all of the time. So the other day she asks Momma if she can wear her boots. They are these long, fake-fur lined snow boots that she adores. As soon as she gets them on, she looks up and says, “Awesome!”

As funny as that was, I find it interesting that she was able to pick up a word like that and use it in context so quickly. It’s not like someone at daycare is saying “awesome” over and over again for every little thing. She definitely keyed in on it and figured out where to use it. Unless, of course, one of the teachers is saying “awesome” over and over again. Which actually wouldn’t surprise me.

It really is amazing how much her little brain is soaking up. But what really gets me is not only that she is watching and hearing and learning all of this stuff, she’s applying these things in her actions and words and for the most part, applying it all correctly.

Obviously, things like singing songs can help anyone remember their ABCs and learn words. But how did she figure out to that her baby doll needs to be wrapped in a blanket before she puts it down for a nap? How does she know to put the little toy dog in front of the play doggie bowl to eat? The obvious answer is she watched. But she’s been watching for a long time. It’s only recently that she’s turned it all into action.

So, being first-time parents, the next question is… is this really all that amazing? I’m guessing this is where her development should be at this point. We’re in this tough spot where everything new is a miracle and we’re convinced she’s the smartest kid on the planet. But then again, she’s not reading or doing math, but she is learning her numbers. She can count fairly well, but is that normal for two years old? I would expect so. We just don’t have anything or anyone to reference it against.

You can check out her counting, below.

We think that’s pretty cool. But is she ahead of the curve or right on schedule? And the most important question of all comes from all of that… Does it really even matter?

I don’t think being ahead or behind is the goal, here. I think the fact that she is learning and applying and his healthy and happy is all that matters. We’re not in a race. And the last thing I want her to think is that she has to try to be the smartest kid. I’ll settle for a pretty happy kid.

After all, she’s got plenty of time until she has to worry about grades. For now, she can just keep counting to her heart’s delight. And if that makes her happy, then I think that’s awesome!

 

P.S. Speaking of awesome… Below is the greatest sound you’ll ever hear. Save this for the next time you have a bad day. It’s Finley’s gift to you.

100

This is officially the 100^th entry into the Baby Blog. And to celebrate, I’ve decided to rack my brain and come up with 100 things I have learned about fatherhood. So here’s the list, in no particular order Enjoy! 

1. Talking into Heather’s belly during pregnancy was oddly comfortable.
   
2. Pregnancies are 10 months long, not nine like the liberal media will have you believe!
3. Any pain I have had in no way compares to labor pain.
4. Sleep deprivation makes new mamas CRAZY.
5. I’m so glad I don’t ever have to nurse.
6. I’m not a big fan of the flavor of formula.
7. Bouncy chairs, baby swings, and cradles are life savers.
8. It’s good to have infant gas drops available. At all times.
9. Keeping the diaper bag freshly stocked is a must.
10. When you visit the relatives, you’re just the guy that brought the baby.
11. Diapers work, especially if you remember to put them on.
12. Daycare is worth the price of admission.
13. …except for the sharing of colds.
14. I could get used to this “Father’s Day” thing.
15. I wish there was a way I could take the immunization shots for her.
16. Picking up from daycare is better than dropping off.
17. Finley likes to wake me up on the weekends. (I like it, too)
18. Kissing boo boos is better than putting on bandaids.
19. Cranky baby = cranky momma
20. Sleeping in is not an option.
    
21. I’m not the center of the universe, anymore.
22. Pigtails are momma’s job.
23. Picking out clothes is momma’s job.
24. Onsies go on BEFORE pants go on.
25. Mommy is always right.
26. Even at 5am, rocking my daughter to sleep in my arms is worth waking up for.
27. Poop happens.
28. Drool happens.
29. Spills happen.
30. Cleaning up poop and drool and spills happens.
31. Baby kisses are especially wet. But that’s okay.
32. I could be the fifth Wiggle.
33. All the books I loved as a kid are still great.
34. Kids toys are way better now than when I was a kid.
35. And they eat up WAY more batteries.
36. I don’t remember as many words to kids songs I as I thought I did.
37. Those kids songs can get stuck in your head all day.
38. I have learned the time-honored dad tradition of properly loading the car.
39. I have rediscovered the unlimited possibilities of playing with a cardboard box.
40. NEVER lose the bunny… or the blankie.
    
41. I could go pro as a baby bottle washer.
42. I never knew I had swaddling skills.
43. As much as I love my wife and daughter, alone time is very important.
44. As much as I love being alone, it’s hard to be away from my girls.
45. All the time I spent mimicking cartoon voices is paying off.
46. I may not know a second language, but I can speak toddler fairly well.
47. Watching a small person take their first steps was much more exciting than I expected.
48. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of hearing the word “Daddy.”
49. There’s a lot more on TV for kids than there used to be.
50. Put the expensive or important stuff up high.
51. I tend to find more cheerios than change in the couch cushions.
52. Daddies make good horsies for daughters.
53. Baby wipes are good for parents, too.
54. It’s okay to stand in her room for ten minutes just to watch her sleep.
55. You can never have enough Kleenex.
56. Nap times are not just for the kids.
57. It’s smart to always have a binky ready.
58. The wheels on the bus DO go round and round.
59. There are volume controls on toys for a reason.
60. Bath bubbles are clear. All other bubbles mean it’s time to get out.
    
61. You’re doomed when they learn to say “again.”
62. Pillows STILL make great forts.
63. No matter how much I clean, the crumbs in the back seat of my car will keep appearing.
64. Kids are dirt magnets.
65. Sugar is kid crack.
66. It’s smart to invest in night-time diapers.
67. It’s all about negotiation.
68. Dancing is just plain fun. Rhythm comes later.
69. Being the first person she sees in the morning is the best.
70. Laundry baskets make great sleds.
71. Velcro is way better than shoelaces.
72. Chuck E. Cheese is evil. Pure evil.
73. “No” means No. Except sometimes when she starts crying and it means “Alright. Here. Stop crying.”
74. Music soothes the savage baby.
75. Do your best to go with the flow. And have extra wipes to soak up the flow, too.
76. Sesame Street is still a great show.
77. I know much more about the Disney Princesses than I probably should.
78. Sippy cups and kid plates go in the upper rack of the dishwasher.
79. I could kiss her cheeks all day.
80. Before you toss them in the air, make sure you know how high the ceiling is.
81. Right now, you’re just second fiddle to the momma.
82. Tea parties are in my future.
83. A good nap makes for a good rest of the day.
84. I am not that fond of the color pink.
85. I’m beginning to dislike boys.
86. Apparently songs can never be sung enough.
87. …and books can never be read enough.
88. She’ll never do the amazing things when you ask her to or when everyone is watching.
89. …or when the video camera is rolling.
90. I haven’t lost as much hair as I thought I would.
91. Tights go on BEFORE the bloomers.
92. Don’t take anything away unless you have plans to replace it.
93. Babysitters are worth the money. Even at $10 an hour!
94. Elmo isn’t as annoying as he used to be.
95. I’m much better at coloring within the lines than she is.
96. I like coming home and finding her waiting for me.
97. Putting her shoes on while she’s wriggling in my arms is an art.
98. A hidden TV remote is a safe TV remote.
99. I’m lucky Heather is here to teach me these things.
100. There’s nothing better than the sound of Finley’s laughter.

Happy Two Year!

In just two short months, that little baby daughter of mine is going to be two. Two! As much as her momma likes to deny it, Finley is no longer a baby… she’s a full-fledged toddler.

That means we’re in for a whole lot of things. First of all, as her grasp of language improves, so will her grasp of sass. And if she’s anything like her mother, we’re in for some good times.
Also, right around the bend are a couple of really big hurdles we have to approach and slowly climb over, together. There’s her binky habit and the lessons of the loo. AKA Potty Training.
Getting rid of the pacifier should be interesting. There’s no binky patch or gum we can give her and cold turkey isn’t going to work, either. She really does okay without it… mainly because it’s out of sight and out of mind for the most part.

We only give it to her when she’s about to go down for a nap or for the night. And the occasional long car trip. And once she wakes up from sleeping, she’s really good at handing it off. But we can only wonder what it’s like at daycare. We’ve asked them to only give it to her for nap time. But when you have a room full of toddlers and some chain reaction fussing kicks in, I wouldn’t blame them if the binkies get handed out like candy.
So, in 2009 we’re going to try to wean her of the pacifier. I’m sure there are several theories on how to work this. I’ve heard stories about “losing” the binky and not being able to find it. There are folks who tell the kid they gave it to a family friend’s baby. For now, I’d like to basically continue to keep it out of sight. When she goes down for a nap I don’t want to just give it to her. I want her to remember it on her own and ask for it. My idea is that as time goes by, she’ll eventually forget to ask for it. It’s only a theory, I know. But I want HER to be the one to decide she’s done with it. We’ll keep you posted on how it goes.

Our other big goal is to work on getting her out of diapers and onto the potty. I’m not exactly sure how this is going to work, but the rumor is that girls are better at this than boys. I think that’s because it’s much more confusing for boys, since they’re taught to stand AND sit rather than just sit the whole time. Plus, the whole aiming thing just doesn’t work with a 2-year old boy. The good thing is that she is already curious about the potty and what goes on, there. We got a little Elmo seat that sits on top of the toilet and let’s her feel like a big girl without allowing her to drop in. She asks to sit on it once or twice a week, but she never does anything while she’s there, except look excited.
And although nothing happens, it’s good to see she’s interested and becoming comfortable with the seat. Now it’s just a matter of putting the pieces together of WHY we sit there and WHEN. No sweat, right? We’ll keep you posted on that one, too.

It’s weird and a little sad to think that we’re about to go through all of this with our little girl. It wasn’t THAT long ago I was feeding her in my lap. Then again, it’s pretty exciting to see how much she’s grown and watch her discover things. And it’s also exciting to think about all the other things we get to teach her in this New Year. Sentences, names, numbers and maybe a somersault or two. I think I can live with her being two. It’s three, then four, then eighteen that I don’t like so much. I’ll keep you posted on how I deal with that.